christmas and me

you have to understand where i started from to get my fear for the jingles ( Christmas)
as a 9years old i tried on my Christmas dress and burnt it by mistake( i decided to lit a match for no reason)
i ended up wearing something else.
the shy one out of four siblings with no friends, i didn't get invited to parties much so Christmas like most of my birthday i spent sick and surrounded by family . i sought to seek attention but it never really came my way till i fell sick. who needs to be sick half the time just to get your mothers attention?
i grew up and was sent to a boarding house where i learnt being fragile wasn't an asset , i was mocked and pushed around till i found solace in God and church. i was good at that ( smiling)
i left the secondary school and realised i was pretty and the first time a guy walked up to me, i ran all the way home. i never really like being chased around till date.
i finally went out of my shell and i discovered friendship and companionship and Christmas, Val's and Easter were all taken Care off. after a couple of years i as used to having a partner but he got bored of having a partner we split. several months later i had another and not long after that , another but this year i decided to stop being afraid of spending time alone and not entering into relationship because I'm scared of spending the holidays alone.
i spent this Val's myself it depressed me that at 9pm i shed a tear but i wouldn't quit i was too far to back down.i spent Easter with a friend and now this Christmas is here again. i had plans to travel with an ex to Dubai but whats the point ( he still a boy) not ready to be the man i need to be with. hence we had a fight and now I'm out of plans.Christmas and me ? mmh what should i do? book a few nights at a hotel with some girls/ or sit at home and watch my parents ? or go shopping till i drop or spend it alone behind closed doors reflecting /? what should i do? Christmas and me?